Watch out, MLS fans; I’m back, and I’m better than ever. The postseason is here, and I’ve been tasked with previewing the Audi 2024 MLS Cup Playoffs. My boss didn’t specify whether or not that meant I was allowed to predict the outcome, so I’ve taken the initiative, as I am wont to do from time to time, and not only predicted the playoffs, I’ve provided you with the very script that I submitted to the league for the BEST PLAYOFFS EVER. Coach Kyle has traded his whistle and cones for a crystal ball once again; say hello to Clairvoyant Kyle.

I’m breaking this down round by round so that you can be the most informed MLS fans in the entire world, so, please study up and heed my words. I’m skipping the Wild Card matches because I don’t dwell on the past, but let’s just say that Atlanta deserved to advance and Portland made me laugh. I need more interactions between Phil Neville and Vanni Sartini, please and thank you.

Round One

Ah yes, the best-of-three series. You didn’t forget that, did you? Everyone has to win two games in this gauntlet, whether you like it or not. Then, we’re taking another international break. Goodie! I’ve listed the matchups below, with a quick synopsis of the script that may—or may not—be the one that the league is following this year. I’m starting with the easy East before I move on to the wild wild West, and let me warn you, we’re in for some real juicy surprises:

(1) Inter Miami vs. (9) Atlanta United - Game 1 on Friday, October 25, at 7:30 p.m.

• Inter Messi is, unsurprisingly, the number one seed in the East. A first-round matchup with pseudo-rivals Atlanta United likely has both fanbases excited, and for good reason. I so desperately want to tell you that the giants will fall here, and while Atlanta’s 3-1 win and 2-2 draw against the Herons in the regular season might give them some hope, I have a feeling that regular season Miami is going to pale in comparison to playoff-Miami. Messi will be Messi, and I’m sorry to report that David Beckham’s second favorite MLS team will be cruising through in two.

(4) Orlando City vs. (5) Charlotte - Game 1 on Sunday, October 22, at 6:30 p.m.

• Now this one is interesting. Do I dare bet against the ageless wonder that is Tim Ream? Can I trust Oscar Pareja’s men to take the next step? Hmm. Tough! I could look back at their series history; that would be the responsible journalist thing to do, but I’m simply not going to: let vibes prevail! I’m seeing some purple and gold in my crystal ball, and I must trust the mystic forces on this one. Look for the Lions to take this series in a semi-comfortable three games to set up a Florida Derby in the Conference Semifinals.

(3) FC Cincinnati vs. (6) NYCFC - Game 1 on Monday, October 28, at 5:45 p.m.

• Pardon my French here, but Cincinnati has kind of sucked to close out 2024. They’re absolutely limping into the playoffs with three losses in their last five matches, including a 3-2 loss to NYCFC. The Pigeons have the momentum and the mental edge. This one’s a no-brainer! For the first time ever, a flock of pigeons is going to take down a pride of lions. Tune in to this historic event, folks. You’re not going to want to miss this wonder of the animal kingdom.

(2) Columbus vs. (7) NYRB - Game 1 on Tuesday, October 29, at 5:45 p.m.

• Have I admitted this to you before? Oh, my dear readers, I am a boyhood Crew fan. I’ve seen the world through black and yellow lenses before, and it’s not an easy habit to kick. They play some of the prettiest soccer I’ve ever seen in this precious league, and while I haven’t been able to watch them as much as I used to, the number of awards they’re nominated for and the finals they’ve been to in the last year speak for themselves. Sorry, New Jersey fans, you never had a chance in this one. I wouldn’t advise drinking any Red Bull at or before the game; you’re going to want to fall asleep and forget this series pretty quickly after it ends in Game 2.

(1) LAFC vs. (8) Vancouver Whitecaps - Game 1 on Sunday, October 27, at 8:45 p.m.

• The number one seed is from LA, but it’s not who you thought it was going to be, huh? LAFC snuck past the Galaxy on Decision Day, and given the form the Falcons have found at the end of the season, they’re probably feeling pretty good. Too bad they’re aboot to lose to the best team in Canada. It’ll take three games, but I’ve got faith in those hosers. I picked them to finish first in my season preview, so they owe me anyways. The Caps are playing for more than a trophy; they’re playing to save my credibility. Ryan Gauld, I’m looking at you, buddy.

(4) Seattle Sounders vs. (5) Houston Dynamo - Game 1 on Monday, October 28, at 8:00 p.m.

• Ew. It’s Seattle? I’d rather not talk about them; I haven’t been much of a fan since Dempsey retired. Unfortunately, Hector Herrerra and his fellow orange warriors inspire little to no confidence in me, and I can’t find a reason to put them into the next round. The Sounders haven’t lost since the first day of September, while the Dynamo lost 3-0 to 12th-place St. Louis—and got a red card to boot. The Sounders will be in the semis.

(3) Real Salt Lake vs. (6) Minnesota United - Game 1 on Tuesday, October 29, at 8:00 p.m.

• Finally, your Loons. They’re taking on the Real Salt Lake, as opposed to the fake one, and honestly, I’m very optimistic about this one. Nobody is in as good of form as the Black and Blue, and after a tough and chippy match in Utah earlier this month, a little bit of justice against the Claret and Cobalt feels overdue. Loons win in two.

(2) LA Galaxy vs. (7) Colorado Rapids - Game 1 on Saturday, October 26, at 10:00 p.m.

• The Galaxy may have coughed up the number one seed, but they’re still way too good to go out in the first round. I love what Chris Armas has done in Colorado this year, and I think the best is yet to come from them, but I can’t look past Super Saiyan Riqui Puig. Kamehameha, you know what I’m saying?

Conference Semifinals

From here on out, the drama is condensed into 90-minute increments (plus potential extra time and pks, to get ahead of all you know-it-alls), and it’s fully based on my predictions/premonitions. We’re just having fun now, okay? Let chaos reign!

Inter Miami vs. Orlando City

• It’s boring to put the one seed through, isn’t it? But Messi is the GOAT and Miami is the best team in MLS regular-season history. Fine. They’ll live to fight another day. They embarrassed their intra-state rivals earlier this season anyway; I imagine they can do it again. Not a great year for lions taking on packs of birds, evidently.

Columbus Crew vs. NYCFC

• Columbus will become the bane of New York soccer this offseason as they take down the only team that actually PLAYS in New York. The Pigeons are used to playing on a baseball field, so I imagine the transition to a real soccer field will be too much, especially against a team like the Crew. Vengeance for FC Cincinnati, Ohio sticks together.

Seattle Sounders vs. Vancouver Whitecaps

• Another Cascadia Cup showdown in the playoffs! I’ve stuck with the Canucks this far, and I’m no Sounders-lover. But, in a wild turn of events, my crystal ball has flashed green and an orca shot out of the smoke. I have no choice but to put Brian Schmetzer and his friends into the next round, sorry Mr. Gauld.

LA Galaxy vs. Minnesota United

• This Galaxy team is better than they have been in recent years; I’ll give them that. I’m the biggest Riqui Puig fan this side of the Mississippi (writing this in Saint Paul), but I can’t help but feel the pull of destiny tugging at my heart. What’s that? Loons score three in California? Okay, the crystal ball has spoken: Loons win AGAIN.

Conference Finals

A consolation trophy and a spot in MLS Cup are on the line now. This is serious business; the rest was just warmups. We’ve got a one vs. two matchup in the East and a four vs. six in the West. You couldn’t WRITE a script like this, could you?! Craziness.

Inter Miami vs. Columbus Crew

• The buck stops here. I can’t take it anymore. Bye bye, Miami, hello Columbus. Leagues Cup flashbacks galore as Columbus down Miami on their way to yet another final. What’s that pink stuff in my crystal ball? Ah, must be acting up on me. Columbus cruises into the Cup matchup…right?

Seattle Sounders vs. Minnesota United

• No need to pinch yourself; it’s not a dream. We’re going to get a 2020 Conference Final rematch, and it’s well overdue. I only had the Sounders making it this far because I know the Loons will be the ones to take them down. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and given the time of year, I’d say this Loons win will be a pretty chilly affair.

MLS Cup

Columbus Crew vs. Minnesota United

So you’ve made it to MLS Cup: congratulations! I’m a boyhood fan of one team and a paid employee of the other, so I am legally not allowed to make a prediction here. That’s a lame cop out? So sorry! I’ll have to turn it over to you, readers, to fill in the blank. You’re 2024 MLS Cup Champions will be _!

Obviously, these picks are 100% correct, divinely inspired and have been emailed to the league for script-writing purposes. Get ready for an exciting postseason, and remember, I know what I’m doing. At least, somewhat.